I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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