You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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