You just made me feel so damn special
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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