im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
