he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
