I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
