whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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