ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
