oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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