I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
