Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
