I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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