The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
