My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
