My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
