Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
