You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I wish there were birth control emojis
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
