he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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