My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
