I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
bring money and cleavage
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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