Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
