I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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