I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
