My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
