considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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