im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
