i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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