I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
