Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
