I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
