Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
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