my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
