On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
