now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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