I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
