is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
