Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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