You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
