Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
