Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize