and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just invented taco cereal.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
