What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
