My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
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