yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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