you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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