Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
