My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
