She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
