Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
