Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
