Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
