Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
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Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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